Bipolar

My heart has a disease. Many of ours do, but many of us go undiagnosed.

My heart is Bipolar. Normally this is a psychological disorder, Bipolar I Disorder, which describes when a person experiences dramatic mood swings from a state of mania - or excited state - to normal to depressed. Like a hug swing, the person experiences the extremes with times of normal in between. But my mind isn't Bipolar, my heart is.

There are the times when my heart is undergoing mania, where I am so alive in Christ, where nothing can hold me back. These moments of excitability feel amazing, one might call it a mountain top experience (I would not call it one of these, for mountain tops and valleys are key in a Christian life, a positive aspect, but the negative of the mania is depression, not a valley, not a good place). Here is where I live selflessly, lovingly, and abandoned to Christ. I enter into the deep emotion places of God and get lost, I could pray and fast for days, temptation don't even bother me. But here is where the decent occurs.

I begin to enter the normal state of heart. Where I love God, I still sing and worship, pray and read the bible, but now its starting to be a chore. Temptations all the sudden seem to be everywhere but it still easy to not fall in and stay strong. But the fire seems to be fading.

Then I hit the depression state, or as I like to call it coldness. This is where I am at my most vulnerable and selfish. The reason I call it coldness and not depressed is because having a cold heart is much easier to hide than a depressed one. I can sing and pray at church and then go home and lust, disrespect, slander, etc. Its a place I hate to be, and even hate the it exists at all. The problem is during it Im to selfish to care. I give into temptation because I feel like. Its like I go into a completely Godless state. Where I am aware of his rules but yet stare at him and break them. I watching him on the cross and laugh. It's the place where the devil sends most attacks on me, in ways you couldn't believe Im sure. No this isn't a valley or a storm, it is Hell, it is a place that is in complete lack of God. Once Satan is chipping away at my heart he goes for my head, my mind, my thoughts. The things I so desperately try to fight off are thoughts of grossness and evil to the very core, but I have no defense. I am in coldness.

Then its begins to get better again. I cry before God and run back to Him and it the cycle starts again.

There is not medication for this type of Bipolar. No doctor, psychiatrist, or counsellor can cure it. But yet it plagues the hearts of many christians, many of which are to afraid or embarrassed to admit to such a disease.

I want to be cured. I don't want to continue going through a cycle of emotions.

That is where I am, I am on the ground with nothing left, ashamed of what I am. I don't want to be fake, I yearn for authenticity. I want to stare temptation down and win always. I want to be recklessly abandoned to Christ.

I can feel the depths of my spirit wrestling with my flesh everyday, I can literally feel the tension. I want to break apart and allow all I am to be destroyed and built by God, but my selfishness would rather be popular and have friends.

I just want to Love God with all I am. I pray that you do as well. I pray you that you get help if you suffer from the disease which I to suffer with. I, We, know the medication - the only medication - so let us go and get it.

Desperate

Desperation isn't a sunday morning emotion but a every second state. Christians love to use the phrase "I am desperate for God." This to is usually said in a sunday morning service. The question then is what does desperation look like? Because I think it's not how most of actually live.

des·per·ate - Having lost all hope; despairing. Marked by, arising from, or showing despair: the desperate look of hunger; a desperate cry for help. Reckless or violent because of despair: a desperate criminal. Undertaken out of extreme urgency or as a last resort: a desperate attempt to save the family business. Nearly hopeless; critical: a desperate illness; a desperate situation. Suffering or driven by great need or distress: desperate for recognition. Extremely intense: felt a desperate urge to tell the truth.

Hopeless, despair, hunger, reckless, extreme urgency, last resort, suffering, extremely intense. These are just some of the words used to define desperate. And the state of desperation is define as recklessness arising from despair. These are huge words.

A hopeless, reckless, extreme, intense and urgent pursuit of God is what defines being desperate for him. That He is our only and last resort. That we pour everything we are, all our effort, laying down our own self for a glimpse, for a taste, for a second of Him - that is desperate.

We sang the well-known christian song Breathe by Michael W Smith, in church on sunday. The one that goes, "And I, I am lost without you, And I, I am desperate for you." But I found my mouth unable to utter the words. The Lord kept telling me to watch what I say. I knew that I wasn't desperate for Him, and if I wasn't why would I dare tell God I am and lie?

That is where God began to work on me. Questioning me, testing me. Asking me if I am desperate. Asking me what the even looks like. The worst part was realizing that I wasn't. But what hit me hardest is that many christians aren't and are not even aware of it.

To many of us walk around completely independent of God. We talk of our love for Him, we sing the songs and pray the prayers when people are around, but when we are all alone, or there are no christians around to make us feel bad, we delve into our own selfish way of life.

Desperation means we abandon everything we think we know, need, and want for God. We get rid of our twisted longing for freedom of authority and run to the throne room of our King. The Bible tells us that we are nothing if not for God, that He needs to be all we are and desire. David writes that more than anything in the world, He desired nothing more then God.

If you were hungry, you would do anything to get food. If you were wet, you would do anything to get shelter. If someone you loved was dying, you would do all you can to save them. You would be recklessly abandoned to your cause. That is what it means to be desperate for the Lord.

Recklessly abandoned to him and all HE REQUIRES OF YOU. Seeking His face with a passion that is unmatched by any other passion in this world.