Bipolar

My heart has a disease. Many of ours do, but many of us go undiagnosed.

My heart is Bipolar. Normally this is a psychological disorder, Bipolar I Disorder, which describes when a person experiences dramatic mood swings from a state of mania - or excited state - to normal to depressed. Like a hug swing, the person experiences the extremes with times of normal in between. But my mind isn't Bipolar, my heart is.

There are the times when my heart is undergoing mania, where I am so alive in Christ, where nothing can hold me back. These moments of excitability feel amazing, one might call it a mountain top experience (I would not call it one of these, for mountain tops and valleys are key in a Christian life, a positive aspect, but the negative of the mania is depression, not a valley, not a good place). Here is where I live selflessly, lovingly, and abandoned to Christ. I enter into the deep emotion places of God and get lost, I could pray and fast for days, temptation don't even bother me. But here is where the decent occurs.

I begin to enter the normal state of heart. Where I love God, I still sing and worship, pray and read the bible, but now its starting to be a chore. Temptations all the sudden seem to be everywhere but it still easy to not fall in and stay strong. But the fire seems to be fading.

Then I hit the depression state, or as I like to call it coldness. This is where I am at my most vulnerable and selfish. The reason I call it coldness and not depressed is because having a cold heart is much easier to hide than a depressed one. I can sing and pray at church and then go home and lust, disrespect, slander, etc. Its a place I hate to be, and even hate the it exists at all. The problem is during it Im to selfish to care. I give into temptation because I feel like. Its like I go into a completely Godless state. Where I am aware of his rules but yet stare at him and break them. I watching him on the cross and laugh. It's the place where the devil sends most attacks on me, in ways you couldn't believe Im sure. No this isn't a valley or a storm, it is Hell, it is a place that is in complete lack of God. Once Satan is chipping away at my heart he goes for my head, my mind, my thoughts. The things I so desperately try to fight off are thoughts of grossness and evil to the very core, but I have no defense. I am in coldness.

Then its begins to get better again. I cry before God and run back to Him and it the cycle starts again.

There is not medication for this type of Bipolar. No doctor, psychiatrist, or counsellor can cure it. But yet it plagues the hearts of many christians, many of which are to afraid or embarrassed to admit to such a disease.

I want to be cured. I don't want to continue going through a cycle of emotions.

That is where I am, I am on the ground with nothing left, ashamed of what I am. I don't want to be fake, I yearn for authenticity. I want to stare temptation down and win always. I want to be recklessly abandoned to Christ.

I can feel the depths of my spirit wrestling with my flesh everyday, I can literally feel the tension. I want to break apart and allow all I am to be destroyed and built by God, but my selfishness would rather be popular and have friends.

I just want to Love God with all I am. I pray that you do as well. I pray you that you get help if you suffer from the disease which I to suffer with. I, We, know the medication - the only medication - so let us go and get it.